Aye Carumba! It's The Simpsons :o)

The Simpsons :)

Last weekend was my much-loved middle son's 9th birthday :o) We had discussed his birthday cake in the weeks leading up to it, and he had asked for Sponge Bob, which I was all prepared for...Then, of course, kids being kids, he changed his mind, haha, and said to me one day "Can I have The Simpsons all sitting on the lounge like on the show?"  Inwardly I gulped a little, lol, but promised him that yes of course I could do that for him! ;o) "And can Bart be upside down?" Well yes, why not??! ;o)

Bart, just hangin' ;)

Having a birthday cake is always a big event in our home...The kids each pour over all my cake books for ideas, or go through their toys, dvds and books thinking of what they can challenge me with! It is a bit of a tradition in our family...I grew up with my Mum making cakes from the famous Womens Weekly Childrens Birthday Cake book (Australian) for myself and my two brothers for each of our birthdays...I'm sure over the years she lovingly made almost every cake in the book! (Quite an achievement!) Her most amazing one being the super long train, with all the carrriages, that was featured on the front cover, which she made for my little brother Scott (who is sadly now deceased) for his 2nd birthday...It must have taken her all day, but from the look on his face in the photos, I'm sure he loved it! I have such fond memories of all the cakes I had for each birthday ~ the butterfly, typewriter, paintbox, just to name a few! ~ and I love to look back at the photos of them all...

I guess this is why, when I fell pregnant with my first child, I was determined that every birthday I would make my children a special cake too...With all the problems I was going through emotionally, all the times I just couldn't face taking my kids to playgroup, for the times I enrolled them in daycare once a week, just so they could interact with other children more, all the times I struggled to have the big 'lets invite everyone from the whole class' school parties, and ended up just having one or two close friends instead, for spending so much time stuck at home in our own little world...I guess this is why making their birthday cake became so important to me...It was the one thing I could do to show them how much I cared about their special day, how much I loved them, and to give them something to look back on from their childhood and smile about :o)

Little Maggie! ♥

Having said all that, I have missed the odd one, I am ashamed to admit! Usually due to severe periods of anxiety/depression where I have barely been able to get through the basic eveyday tasks, let alone an elaborate cake, lol! But we discovered that icecream cakes from the supermarket are always popular with kids! ~ and the world didn't stop turning just because I failed to make their cake that year :P (Despite the guilt that crippled me inside ~ yes, over a silly cake!)

So having decided on The Simpsons, I then had the task of colouring the fondant all the different colour shades necessary to make the characters look as true-to-tv-life as possible...This is the time-consuming part! Alas, where there is a will, there is a way, and I persevered ;) The cake itself was a raspberry vanilla cake, made with raspberry jelly added into the mix, which makes the cake a lovely pink colour, and adds flavour too! It was layered with pink vanilla buttercream and covered in fondant...All the characters were modelled from fondant too, using my sons The Simpsons comic books as a guide! I was not 100% happy with them, but it kind of got to the point where I had no time left, and had to just let it be :o) If I could have frozen time, I would have added a can of Duff beer in Homers hands, broken donuts scattered on the carpet, the cat and the dog (I've forgotten their names!), and maybe the mat infront of the couch, the lamp to the side of the couch, the tv and the remote...Ahhh, a perfectionist is never satisfied!! ;o)

The inside of the cake...

My son was so happy with it though, and we managed to have a little family luncheon at the park in town, despite the rain! (Something I would have struggled to do a few years ago) When you live with mental illness for a long time, when it becomes such a huge part of your life that it's hard to identify yourself without it, life can feel very 'heavy', or weighed down with angst...I look back now over the last 20yr and feel that I have missed many opportunities, perhaps many life experiences that others usually go through (study, work, travel, socialising, relationships, etc) in their teens and twenties, whilst I have been so caught up in my own head basically! But then I look at my four beautiful children and I realize that, even if I haven't succeeded on a personal level, all of my children are thriving, healthy, kind-natured little people, and I guess, as a sole parent, they are kind of an extension of me...Perhaps they are the very best parts of me that just never got to shine, thanks to the continual emotional whirlpool inside my mind! There is alot of sadness and regret when I think back over the years, but I guess it is a matter of focusing on the positives, no matter how insignificant they may seem...The little cakes I make are one little thing I can hang on to...For anyone else out there struggling, take a moment to find one thing in your life that you CAN do, and enjoy doing, which brings you a little joy amidst the sorrow...(craft, reading, exercise, cooking, gardening, anything that makes you feel brighter really!) Meaningful activity, my counsellor calls it! :o)

♥ 'Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things' ~ Robert Brault ♥

My sons quirky sense of humour, changing the heads around! ;)

♥ Chantell xo

A little bit of food for the soul...

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So I've kind of hit 'Struggle Town' a bit this week, but whilst searching out a link to Erma Bombeck's famous 'If I had my life to live over' poem, I came across this one that I've posted above, and it made me smile :o)

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 And this one made me laugh too :)  As far as inspirational quotes to live by, I think Erma Bombeck takes the cake! Her writing was so amazing, she had such a natural wit, and her work speaks to each of us in different ways...

Here is the poem that I mentioned above...

If I had my Life to Live Over

(by Erma Bombeck)

(written after she found out she was dying from cancer)



I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.



I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.



I would have talked less and listened more.



I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.



I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.



I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.



I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.



I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.



I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.



I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.



Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.



When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
 There would have been more "I love you's." More "I'm sorry's."



But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it . live it and never give it back.


Stop sweating the small stuff.



Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.



Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with. 


And what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally. 


I hope you all have a blessed day.






Hope others can get some joy out of these too :)

♥ Chantell xo

Medication ~ to take or not to take???

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That is the question...

It is a dilemma which most people with anxiety or depression, or any form of mental illness, will have to face at some point along their journey to recovery...

It would be completely hypocritical of me to stand here on my little 'blog pedestal' and advocate that every sufferer should be on medication...For one thing, I am/was every psychiatrists worst nightmare when it comes to medication ~ 'non-compliant' is written on my file in big bold letters, lol! (Which is basically just a fancy word for saying that I was/am as stubborn as a mule and very resistant to even trying anything 'chemical'/medicinal which could help me feel even a little bit better..)

For another thing, this is such a sensitive issue, and so personal to each sufferer...There is no 'blanket' medication that suits every single person, and no exact dosage to ease each person's symptoms either...In just the same way that we are all so unique with our own DNA, we are all so unique in the way we feel and experience emotions too...

Herein lies the incredible difficulty facing patients, counsellors, and Dr's every day...How to find the correct medication, along with the correct dosage, amongst the wide variety of options available...That is, if you even make it past the first few doses, and can withstand the side-effects that come along with this tiny little 'miracle' pill that the experts are convinced will help you feel better...

I am what is called hyper-sensitive to meds, meaning that even starting at a quarter of a tablet had me hyperventilating and crying on the phone to the clinic, begging to be admitted to hospital...(Yes, not my finest hour!) The trouble being that I very rarely even take a Panadol, let alone an anti-depressant...And I don't tend to eat or drink hardly at all when I am depressed to that extent...So yes, one tiny little quarter will hit me like a ton of bricks and leave me fighting the urge to run far, far away from the madness inside my head...(That famous 'fight or flight' response!) 

In hindsight, I can now see that perhaps if I had of persisted with one or two of the meds prescribed to me over the years, maybe I would have 'improved' a whole lot faster than the snail's pace at which I have travelled...My biggest mistake would have to be giving up after only one dose of a new med (there's that stubborn mule again!), argueing adamantly that I just couldn't handle it, that it was intolerable, that it was making me gain weight, or making my anxiety worse, any excuse in the book really! This pattern I tended to repeat a number of times with different anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds ~ you name it, I was probably prescribed it...And it most likely found it's way into my fireplace, I have to confess! So 'disappointed' and traumatised was I by a bad experience with a medication that I just had to rid myself of the sight of it ~ and the possibility of my counsellor telling me to try it again (as was usually the case!) And so the cycle continued with the next Dr's visit, and the next new med to pin all my hopes upon...Kind of reminds me of that childrens song, "This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on, my friend..." A ridiculous merry-go-round with no stop button!

My other biggest mistake, once I had (rarely) managed to stick to a medication, was to suddenly decide that I didn't need it anymore...I would slowly start to feel the tiniest bit better, and think to myself "You don't need this, you should be strong enough to cope without it'...And so I would stop taking it, cold turkey....As anyone who has taken anti-depressants knows, this is a big 'NO~NO"...and for good reason! It is the one thing I am certain about advocating...If you have made the decision to be on medication, then you really do need to make peace with this within yourself, and stick to the dosage prescribed...The medication may not be 'addictive', but your body does become used to receiving a certain dose of the chemical provided by the tablet, and if you suddenly withdraw this amount from your system, well, your body will, in effect, go through a withdrawal period...Which, I can say from experience, will feel a hell of a lot worse than how you felt before you even began taking the med! It can result in you developing very bad headaches, sometimes terrible 'brain-zapping' sensations (hard to describe unless you have felt them!), nausea, digestive problems, agitation, severe tremor, and becoming very anxious and depressed, just to name a few...Not everyone will experience this, but is it really worth the risk? In my case, it left me suicidal...If you do decide to come off a med, it really is important to seek advice from the Dr who prescribed it for you, or the next best health professional available, and to reduce the dose gradually according to their instructions...

It's so discouraging, isn't it? I am reading this back and thinking of the very bumpy road I have travelled with medication, and remembering how weak/ashamed I felt as a person when I was first told I should be on an anti-depressant...It felt like such a character flaw, and was something I hid from alot of people for years...But I have to say I am now at a place where I have accepted my decision to be on medication, and I am much more open about admitting this to others...It took me many rough moments to adjust to each dosage change when I first started, but soon enough, I started to feel a difference...It was almost like the moment when you take your tinted sunglasses off and realize that the sky is a brighter blue than what you thought...And all of a sudden, there is silence where there never was any before...I literally would walk down the main street and think 'Wow, it is so quiet' before it eventually dawned on me that the 'quietness' was only the huge reduction of the bubbling anxiety that was always so loud inside of me! The world was actually not spinning in circles after all, haha! :P

That's not to say that I don't still struggle ~ for sure, this past week has been pretty rough ~ but I am finding that I can pick myself up a lot better with the 'buffer' that the anti-depressant seems to provide...It may be just a 'Bandaid' solution, as many people have told me over the years, but if this bandaid means the difference between being curled up in a corner riddled with anxiety and despair, or actually managing to function ~ even if only just...Then I will happily keep taking my trusted 'Bandaid' with my morning cuppa for many years to come! 

Now THAT is a sentence that I would never have thought would ever come out of my mouth, lol!

I guess the only other thing I can pass on from my journey is that while it may seem scary or disheartening to consider medication, sometimes it can help to view it as a 'necessary evil' which, in the long run, will hopefully help you feel so much better...Kind of like antibiotics ...You are prescribed a 5 or 10 day course to eradicate a bacteria from your system, and you must continue to take the WHOLE course of tablets, even if you start feeling well again, or else this bacteria may rear it's ugly head once again! 

The same analogy can be applied to anti-depressants...Most Dr's will recommend a patient takes the medication for a minimum of six months, sometimes much, much longer...This is despite the fact that the patient may start feeling better within a month or so...It takes a whole lot longer for the neurotransmitters (serotonin, norepinephrine, etc) that are responsible for happiness and mood stabilization to build up in your brain, and it may even be the case that the medication is recommended for you to take indefinitely...(I will be one of these 'lucky' people, lol) As hard as that is to accept sometimes, I try to remind myself of how many times my children have had to see their Mummy sitting on the kitchen floor in tears, shaking like a leaf, barely able to speak ~ and then my answer is very clear! They deserve so much better than that...

Really, when depression and anxiety have reduced your life to such an unbearable state, what have you got to lose? Anything is worth a try...Well, that was the way I tried to look at it when I was hesitant to try 'yet another' medication! And this time, I was one of the lucky ones :o)

♥ 'Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was." ~ Richard L. Evans ♥

♥ Chantell xo

Peppa Pig, meet Dora! :o)

This week I was lucky enough to have two cake orders to focus on...It was so great to be able to channel all my anxiety into being creative rather than just worrying myself sick like I usually do! 

The first one was a special request for a young lady's 'twenteenth' birthday (as she called it! ;o) ) She is a huge lover of anything to do with pigs, and is also quite an amazing artist, so I was eager to make sure I could do as good a likeness to Peppa Pig as possible....Having not really watched the show before, I was a little unsure about certain features, but I looked up the website, and also checked with my kids about the little teddy and the dress, etc...

The entire pig was edible ~ the head and body were made from vanilla buttercake, and the trotters, ears, teddy, etc, were all from fondant, and of course, she was also covered in fondant...Peppa's head was a bit of a challenge, simply because her nose/snout was so heavy! Thankfully, I managed to secure it onto the face using the aid of wooden skewers and alot of hoping and praying that it would hold! As the designer, I can look at it now and see the things that I would do differently next time...But it was the first time I had ever attempted Peppa Pig, and I'm fairly new to doing 3D cakes too, so I'm trying to tell myself it was 'good enough'...

Being a perfectionist, it is very hard to actually make myself stop working on a cake...I spend so much extra time 'tidying' them up with my artist knife, trimming the most miniscule pieces off certain areas, just to make it look as perfect as possible...And then I deliver it, and hold my breath, hoping that the person it is intended for will like it! Luckily for me, Chae was over the moon with it, and told me the cake made her birthday the best ever :o) And coming from an artist, that was so nice to hear! :o)

The second cake was for my dear friend's little girl, who as you can guess, loves Dora! :o) Savana was turning 3yr old and would easily recognise Dora, so I was very determined to make her look as 'real' as possible...As I've said before, kids are the best critics! Especially very young ones, who have not yet learnt the 'little white lies' trait that some of us adults adopt to spare someone's feelings from being hurt... They will openly tell you if you have made a mistake, or if they don't like something...I love kids for that! :o)

Having said that, Savana seemed more than pleased with Dora ~ she even sat there kissing Dora's cheek at one point! ~ so that made me happy :o) People may say 'It's just a cake', but to me, it is a way that I can brighten someone else's special occasion, and make them smile, and that alone is more than worth all the hours I spend creating each one :o)

When you struggle with anxiety or depression, it can leave you feeling very 'unconnected' to other people, and the community in general...It can make it very difficult for you to belong to any sporting groups, craft/hobby groups, any type of social group really...If you are having trouble making it through the day without crying, or having difficulty concentrating due to your high levels of anxiety or sadness, then just the thought of interacting with others and/or performing a task can be so overwhelming, so you tend to avoid alot of social gatherings (Despite the fact that they would probably do you the world of good!) It takes an enormous amount of energy to get out there and mingle with people when you are not feeling happy...Therefore, you do tend to stay home more, which then insulates you even further, leaving you lonely and isolated, and this in itself can add to your depression! It is a vicious circle in many ways...

You also become very limited in what you can do for others, which reinforces your belief that you are useless or worthless...We all like to feel needed in life, and like to know that we have a purpose...It makes the days easier to get through, and also brings alot of joy into our lives to feel like we are contributing to society, or just helping another person...For such a long time, I felt like I was so hopeless at everything...Nothing I did was ever 'good enough', I believed I had no worthy skills or abilities and as a result, never had the confidence to volunteer for anything, or to join any groups...I was not involved in the community whatsoever...This of course, left me very isolated and with a virtually non-existant self-esteem...So now, it is so nice to be able to 'give' something back to others, to be able to contribute to someone else's special day, and to take the pressure off that person...And to know I can make someone else smile just with my little creation :o)

That, to me, is the icing on the cake of a much-loved hobby! ♥

For anyone struggling with a mental illness, please never under-estimate the positive impact that contributing to society, or simply helping one other person can have on your wellbeing...Even just sending a thankyou card to someone, or asking a friend how they are going can make a big difference to your day, and brighten someone else's too! :o)

♥ 'We can do no great things, only small things with great love' ~ Mother Teresa♥

♥ Chantell xo

Two steps forward, ten steps back...

"Plans have detours, road bumps and stop signs ~ that doesn't mean we won't reach our destination. Plan as much as you can, but be mindful that life isn't always smooth sailing"



I have the above quote stuck to my dressing table mirror where I can see it every day, particularly the not-so-great days when I need reminding that recovery is a process, rather than a guaranteed outcome...The quote itself was written by my much-respected counsellor (let's call him 'D' :o) ) on an ordinary piece of foolscap paper during a session years ago, but the lasting effect it has had on me since then is invaluable...I tend to lose hope and give up so easily, so I like to have it easily in view when I'm sinking down...

Today was one of those not-so-great days that I mentioned above ~ I'm trying my absolute hardest to be aware of my wording here, as I meant it when I said I do not want any of my posts to bring people down! Let's just say it has been building for a while, and I certainly felt it as soon as I opened my eyes to greet the day this morning...

Now whether because of my low mood, or simply coincidental, I struggled big-time at my second day of work today...I persisted for as long as I could, but basically my anxiety got the better of me and I had to end up running out of the shop, as I was shaking, holding my breath, my heart going a hundred miles an hour and became all teary ~ your typical panic sensations...The difference being that I haven't had one that bad in quite a while now, so I was devastated that it had 'gotten the better of me' once again, if you know what I mean...And the realization of just how fragile I still am felt like a slap in the face...

I guess I have to take into account that the shop was busier than ever today, as they were hosting an art workshop ~ literally in the space of five mins, the population increased from maybe three to twenty plus customers in a small environment...And I'm not good with crowds at any time, let alone worrying about my ability to serve them (I am yet to actually serve anyone, I just do the stocktake and attempt the MYOB work) But it still left me feeling very useless and basically a huge waste of their time ~ if I am employed to serve the customers to take that pressure off them, yet I can't actually serve anyone, then my role is...???? Yep, useless...

Having said that, I did manage to pull myself together and return to the front counter (albeit with a huge headache!)  I just stayed in my little corner behind the computer screen and focused on the stocktake, didn't really talk to any customers...Managed to complete the most basic data entry work, but still, it brings it home to me how limited my skills are, thanks to all these years of not being brave enough to work or study ~ despite numerous attempts...Anxiety and depression, and any mental illness really, can be so debilitating...It is as if a computer virus has infected your mindset, and it won't allow you to 'run' properly ~ it has taken over all your usual favourite 'icons' and will only run it's own defective system instead of your normal fully-functioning one...

There's no point boarding the 'Pity Train' though ~ it won't change anything...What's done is done...I just have to cross my fingers and hope I cope a little better next time...

Que sera sera!

♥ 'The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places" ~ Author Unknown ♥

♥ Chantell xo

"Oh, she's SO shy!" ~ World Mental Health Day

Today I am blogging for the World Mental Health Day Blog Party, hosted by the team at Psych Central...I am so pleased that I discovered this event in time to enter, as it symbolises the whole theme of my newly-created blog ~ to help raise awareness of mental health, to endeavour to reduce the stigma that is so commonly attached, and to help anyone who may be struggling to feel less alone...

My blog entry below describes a little of my experience as an adult with social anxiety...This is something I have battled with throughout my entire life ~ it is as much a part of me as my shadow is ~ and it has had such a huge impact on my ability to function, leaving me housebound at times, and suicidal at my worst...My hope is that, by submitting this post, maybe another sufferer can see that they are not the only one, and that, with time, counselling and/or medication, social anxiety can be managed ~ perhaps not overcome completely ~ but managed a little better, so that a lot of the things on your 'I CAN'T' list can be changed to 'I CAN' instead :o)

"Oh, she's SO shy!"

Myself at 2yr old, already shy!

I am shy...Not your run-of-the-mill type of shy that we all feel from time to time, in new situations or places where we may not know anyone...The real type of SHY that deserves capital letters, to signify it's intensity...The type of shy that decides for you whether or not you are going to leave the house that day....Or whether the phone is urgent enough to answer, when you would dearly love to ignore the ringing that sets your heart racing...The type of shy that has you peeking out of the corner of your closed curtains to see if the 'coast is clear' for you to check the mail without being bailed up by your genuinely lovely neighbours that you have no idea how to make small talk with...Or the type of shy that has you hanging out your towels first on the washing line, so they can act as a 'barrier' for you to hide behind and feel comfortable enough to hang out the rest of the washing...

Yes, I know that is very extreme, and yes, I confess I actually used to do that! Rewind ten years, and what you would find is a girl, well a young mother, who could barely walk out the front door without feeling massive anxiety and dearly wishing I could fall through the floor (the much-adored floor which was never very obliging to my pleading, mind you!) and hibernate for the rest of eternity...

As you can imagine, this was a huge stressor for a young mum of two (at the time) young babies/toddlers, who would have so loved to have been able to take her darling children to playgroup, or similar activities...I tried ~ believe me, the guilt I felt as a mother was a million times more painful than the extreme shyness/anxiety that stopped me from going in the first place! ~ but invariably, no matter how much I 'psyched' myself up beforehand, I would walk into playgroup, or the shops, or the park, and within a matter of moments, I would be a shaking bundle of nerves who could barely get two words out, thanks to the lump I was choking back in my throat, aswell as the 'brain freeze' that the intense anxiety caused, which left me unable to hold a conversation or make eye contact, and feeling like a complete and utter failure of a person...Never mind the racing heart and breath-holding which I failed to fit in there!

This is my experience of social anxiety...Possibly mine is a rather extreme one, (I have been told previously that I deserve 10 out of 10 for my anxiety levels, haha! Nice to know I can excel at something :P) but I imagine anyone who has experienced this will see themselves somewhere in my above description...Even on a smaller scale, social anxiety is still very distressing, and so very hard to explain...Most people have a fear of some sort ~ my daughter is afraid of cockroaches, my Mum is terrified of spiders, and one of my other sons becomes very panicky during thunderstorms...These are all fairly common ones which other people can probably relate to...

But to say you are afraid of people?? Well, not people as such, but to be very nervous of social interaction ~ or more accurately, your ability (your perceived ability, that is!) to communicate with other people...Your ability to smile, make eye contact, make small talk with another person without blushing, or stammering, or shaking, or losing concentration halfway through...Your ability to ignore the 'voice' in your head that is screaming at you how useless you are, how ugly you look, how the other person is just being polite and doesn't really like you at all...And with all this going on, somehow you have to remember to breathe!

To endure that is bad enough, and emotionally draining, so much more so than you would imagine, so I would tend to race back home straight after an 'event' like this, back to my cocoon, my safe haven, my lonely, guilt-ridden little world...Which would then set off the after-effects in my mind ~ the 'hangover' of this seemingly minor social interaction...Did I say something stupid? What if I accidentally said something which offended that person?? Will they hate me now?? Did I look fatter today? Were they looking at my terrible skin??? And on and on and on...My mind replaying this tiny little incident over and over in my head, like a mini-movie, trying desperately to process it and relieve the anxiety which was crushing my spirit...

This is the thing about social anxiety...At first glance, after reading the above, one might think I was very self-centred, and perhaps a bit paranoid...I have been told in the past that I have come across as a snob, and unfriendly, all thanks to my body language and eye contact struggles...The real truth is that social anxiety manifests from a very low self-esteem, and an under-estimation of one's abilities to communicate effectively ~ basically you just don't feel worthy to even be in the same room as the other people around you...The constant mantra in my head for years was 'I'm sorry', silently said to every single person around me, as I felt like such an intrusion on everyone else's oxygen!

Today, I am quite a bit better, thanks to ALOT of therapy, and some eventual growing of 'brave bones' inside of me, which helped me to get out there and challenge my skewered thoughts...I would almost say I am a different person...But I still struggle, I will always do so, and I accept that...And I seriously feel for anyone who is still battling this, as it is a very lonely thing to deal with...Shy people aren't generally anti-social ~ on the contrary, they watch from the outside and wish to have just a smidgen of the confidence that they see in others, so that they could get to know more people...They are just shy, and uncertain of where they really belong in the world...Please, if you know of someone who is very shy, have a little patience and give them a chance (or two!) to open up...Just one friendly person saying hello and smiling can make the world of difference to someone who has used every ounce of courage they have to walk out the front door that day...

                       ♥ 'Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow' ~ Swedish Proverb ♥

A recent photo of my littlest bubba boy and me... :o)

This is the only way I used to ever allow photos to be taken ~ head-down! I'm getting better though, slowly :o) We lost my brother in a car accident a few years ago and subsequently discovered we had very few recent photos of him :o( So I now try much harder to make memories for my children...even if I do dislike every single photo of myself!!

♥ Chantell xo

In the blink of an eye...

My lovely friend and two of her darlings ♥ 

Yesterday I came extremely close to losing one of the most important people in my life...The most beautiful person you could ever meet, a girl with the most generous, loving heart, who is accepting of everyone and everything...One of those rare people you meet who change your life forever just in one moment...

My beloved friend went into hospital for routine surgery, and ended up fighting for her life after she had a bad allergic reaction to the anaesthetic, suffered multiple seizures and then 'flat-lined' for four minutes...Four whole minutes until they could get her heart beating once again...One minute for each of her children who need and love her so dearly...

Thankfully, she was eventually revived, but I can't help thinking how horribly different the outcome could have been :o( In the blink of an eye, life can be turned upside-down on you, and you are left swirling around in limbo, trying to find some stable ground once again...After losing my brother in a car accident a few years ago, and also very nearly losing my eldest son at birth (as he was born not breathing, with no heartbeat, no vital signs of life, and had to be resuscitated, placed on life-support, and flown to the city's Neo-Natal ICU), I have some experience of this ~ like most of us do, sadly, when dealing with grief, loss and trauma in life...

But you know, it never fails to stun you...Like a punch in the stomach you just weren't ready for, suddenly you find it is harder to breathe, harder to focus, you walk around in a daze, and all the time your head is screaming 'What if????????' or "Please, God...No', trying desperately to process the reality of the situation, while the other half of your mind is doing it's best to deny it altogether...

And I am one of the lucky ones here, as my friend is now home and, apart from being sore where they had the paddles on her chest, aswell as the aches and pains from her surgery, she is ok, all things considered! But even seeing her in person today has not stopped my heightened anxiety response, which began when I first heard the words 'seizure' and 'flat-lined'...Internally I am holding my breath, and have been extra vigilant ~ straightening things around the house like mad, extra writing of my endless lists of things that I am worried I will forget (you should see the ridiculous scraps of paper I have piled up, haha!), letting the kids get away with things I would normally tell them off for, as I am not 100% 'present' (my head is too full), feel like I am eating too much from panic, and therefore, feel fatter than ever today, and my ever-common one ~ feeling too 'wired' to sleep...

Anxiety is a very strong response to perceived fear ~ whether that fear is genuine or not, the body and mind still kick in to gear, to prepare for battle, in a way...Fight or flight, as they say...Generally my habit has been to RUN, as fast and as far away as possible, haha! But I'm much more willing to fight these days, which has to be an improvement, I guess :o) And a whole lot of credit for my strength must go to my friend you see pictured above....

We met a few years ago when she made the effort to talk to me at our son's mutual Kindy party ~ and she persisted with me, despite the fact I was shaking and could barely get a full sentence out...I had just gotten home from two weeks in hospital, after hitting rock bottom, so my confidence was at an all-time low, and I couldn't even make eye contact or stop the tears from threatening to spill over continually...

But my friend is the type of person who looks beyond the surface of a person...The type of friend who does not judge, and who is so open with her own struggles that you find yourself feeling comfortable enough to speak about your own...The type of friend who agrees with you when life feels terrible, and who will outwardly tell you if you look like crap that day, lol, but who will also help you to find a solution...The type of friend who will step in and ring the Dr or counsellor on your behalf, even if you don't want her to, when she knows you are not in a good place...The type of friend who will drop everything to help you in a crisis (even if this 'crisis' is all in your mind, haha)...The type of friend who will surprise you at the airport before your very first flight, as she knows you will have a panic attack, and she will need to intervene to make sure you actually board the plane! (Yes, this did happen, and yes, she did have to tell the flight staff they had to seat me with my kids or I was going to have a breakdown mid-flight, haha!)...The type of friend who will literally support you in the shower during labour, getting saturated herself, if you are stubborn enough to refuse to get out and therefore, have to deliver your baby standing up! (yes, guilty again!) The type of friend who will spoil you and your children with gifts all year round before you even mention that you need something...And the type of friend who will love your children almost as much as she loves her own ♥ The type of friend I would be so lost without...

To suffer with anxiety or depression, or any other mental illness is a real challenge, but it is twice as hard if you don't have any support from those around you...Sometimes you can become so consumed by your own struggles, you become pretty 'self-centred' in a way ~ not from conceitedness, but from such a sense of despair that things will ever get any better...You can literally drown in your own head...It is all too easy to spiral downwards, particularly if you have no-one to distract you from your misery...It is also far too easy to convince yourself that you are worthless, that people hate you, that life is hopeless and that you are such a burden, that people would be far better off without you around...I know, I struggled with this continually for so many years...And those thoughts felt so true to me...

But what it is important to remember is that, no matter how 'true' your thoughts may feel, they are only your view ~ It is only your perspective on the situation, not everyone else's...Chances are, there are so many people who love you dearly, and wish they could help you recover, but they just don't know what to say or do...Sometimes people can become very withdrawn or send out the wrong signals unintentionally when they are hurting emotionally, (not smiling, head down, struggling to keep up with conversation, rejecting offers to catch up), and this can make others 'back off', as they assume that perhaps you want to be alone...If you are anything like me, alot of the time you are crying out on the inside for someone to talk to, someone to turn to, when life is so rough you can barely hang on any longer, but you just cannot utter the syllables out loud...It is truly such a lonely, isolating thing to deal with mental illness ~ support from others is so vital to recovery...

My one piece of advice to anyone struggling is to please don't shut off completely from your loved ones...I know how easy that is to do, and also how upsetting it is when people get frustrated with you or think you are a little nuts! But if you can find just one person who you can confide in, one person who may be able to ease the 'heaviness' in your head just by chatting to you for five minutes, then please reach out...As hard as it is to swallow your pride, it truly is worth all the therapy and medication in the world to know you have someone who is there for you when life becomes very bleak ~ and who may be able to make you smile a bit too! :o)

I count my lucky stars every day for my beautiful friend who has carried me through the toughest years of my life ♥ Thank heavens she was revived! She is an angel we all need here on earth for so much longer...

Myself and my very lucky friend! :) 

♥ Chantell xo

Work Apprehension!! And a new look for my baby :o)

(Copyright ~ Google Images)

Baby blog, that is! ;o) I have been sitting here tweaking and 'prettying' (yes, that's one of my own silly words ~ you won't find it in the Oxford Dictionary, lol!) my little blog for the last hour or so, when I really should be in bed, snoozing away, like my little munchkins are...

I am always up past midnight...True night owl to the core here! But tonight it is all about anxiety and avoidance and apprehension...Tomorrow will be my first day working in my friends store, and the first day for my bubba boy in daycare...Sounds pretty common, yes? Most parents reach the point where they need to return to work, and have to rely on childcare to help them do this...The only difference in my situation is that I haven't worked for over 13 years...And even back then, I was only 18yr, and had one job in a bakery before I had my daughter...

Since then, I have been on this merry-go-round of mental health disorders (take your pick, no doubt I've experienced most of them!), and have barely been able to walk out the front door, let alone hold down a regular job...This is an area which I think is very much misunderstood in society ~ the massive effect that mental illness has on a person's capacity to work, and to contribute to society as a whole...Even if it is not said outright to your face, you still feel that there is an assumption that people think you are less of a person, or weak, or lazy, or even making your illness up to get out of working...Whilst this may be true in rare cases, there are also plenty of genuine cases out there where people just cannot hold down a job, due to the severity of their anxiety or depression or other mental illness...

There has been many a time over the years where I have dearly wished I could return to work, or to study, to improve my skills (which, at my age, should consist of more than a one-page blank CV :o( ) , and to build a better future for my children, rather than living on 'struggle street' all the time...Being a single parent, I do feel the shame, or stigma, of living off welfare...Perhaps that is in my head more than an actual judgement being made of me, but I still feel it in myself...

Which is why I have tried, and failed in spectacular fashion, over the years, never lasting more than one day, sometimes no more than five mins, in an attempted study or work activity...I have tried waitressing (spilt milkshakes all over the floor, and coffee onto the saucers thanks to my shaky hands!), motel cleaning (came home in a panic after the first day and spent two hours writing down every little task incase I forgot for the next day ~ made myself so anxious, I could not face going back and rang in sick the next day), a Tafe course (freaked out over the oral presentations side of it, and was in tears in class over the simplest assignment, as the anxiety had shot all my concentration to pieces), and finally, the bravest, yet stupidest attempt of them all ~ enrolling in a University course...(had to sit in crowded tutorials full of strangers, too afraid to speak to the lecturers, had to try to hide my shakiness during class and deal with my mind blanks, was literally throwing up before the class, due to extreme anxiety ~ could not eat or sleep, became an emotional wreck, so I withdrew...Despite my English lecturer telling me I was receiving one of the top results in the course, and begging me to reconsider)

So you see, these epic failures do nothing but reinforce your belief that you cannot handle the big bad outside world, that you are stupid with a capital S, and in the end, leave you more depressed and disappointed than before you even considered trying...

But before I dishearten anyone too much, this was just my experience, and I was/am pretty extreme on the scale of anxiety...It does get a little better, over time, if you seek help for it...I am just trying to point out how very difficult it can be for a sufferer to hold down a regular job, how genuine their symptoms can be, and how much of an impact the illness can have on that person's ability to fulfill the job description asked of them...And that is only the anxiety ~ add on to this the rough days of depression where a person can barely get out of bed, let alone make it to work, and you begin to see a clearer picture of exactly why some people simply cannot work at some point of their illness...

So tomorrow will be a challenge, despite knowing my friend is the boss, and the customers will probably be few and far between...All day I have felt the anxiety creeping in closer...I am struggling to write this post even, as my head is going haywire...But you know, I just keep reminding myself not to catastrophize things (which I'm so good at doing!), and to have a little more faith in myself...Everyone needs training to learn a new skill, we are not robots who are programmed with everything from Day 1...And as far as the social anxiety from speaking to customers?? Well that one's worrying me, but all I can do is smile and hope for the best :o) A calm facade on the outside will hopefully hide the rising tornado on the inside, haha...

'Window Dressing', as my much-respected case worker calls it :o) I just hope people like my style of curtains then, haha!

(My own silly warped sense of humour ;o) )

♥' Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday' ~ Authour Unknown ♥

♥ Chantell xo

My lil chocolate monster! ♥

Insomnia is ensuring my reputation as a night owl remains 100% intact tonight ;o) My head's a little overloaded, but I'm doing my best to unwind and let it go...

I've decided to have a Photo Friday theme :o) Yes, I'm late, it's technically Saturday, but Photo Saturday just doesn't have quite the same ring to it! So we will ignore the time and live in denial for a few hours ;o) (My OCD mindset will go into a frenzy over this, but hey, I will over-compensate later!)

So here is my photo for this Friday...

My aim will be to post a photo each week which is almost guaranteed to make you smile or laugh, or have a mini 'Wow' moment, no matter how low you may be feeling...I know how very hard it was for me to find any joy ~ to actually feel any joy ~ in the world around me when I was at my lowest...It took all my strength just to physically turn the corners of my mouth towards the sky rather than the ground, and even then it was just a mask...But sometimes it is a matter of 'faking it till you make it'...No matter how terrible life may seem, there is always a little good to be found ~ we just sometimes have to dig through a ton of mud to find the precious gem of happiness!

Here is my beloved bubba boy, a few months ago, absolutely enraptured with his chocolate biscuit...Yes, I am very biased, but this photo never fails to make me smile, so I hope it brings a little joy into your day aswell :o) Speaking as someone who has a myriad of issues with food and body image, I just love the pure delight and enjoyment in my son's eyes ~ oh, to be a baby and just be in total awe of this thing called Life and everything it entails! ♥ 

Moral to the story ~ Never leave an opened packet of biscuits within reach of a baby, with your back turned! ;o)

                        ♥ 'Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate' ~ Author Unknown ♥

♥ Chantell xo